Monday, July 8, 2013

Meat Pillow Erotica

The young man filled up the expensive looking pillow with pulled pork from pulled pork sandwiches. The pillow was now filled with pulled pork. The young man then disrobed and asked the woman to enter the room. She was already naked and asked,

"Did you bring the pillow, baby?"

The man replied, "Oh hell yes, I just prepared it a few minutes ago. I used the slow cooker."

The woman gasped, "You're getting me SO hot right now!"

"I seasoned the meats to perfection" he revealed.

"I belong to you mind, body, and spirit" the woman pulled out a juicy pillow of her own.

"I've been waiting so long for this moment", the man held his pillow high in the air, it began slowly leaking pulled pork juices on to his head.

"I need you!" The woman screamed as she raised her own delicious smelling but disgusting looking meat pillow over her own head.

The man slammed his meat pillow on the woman's head causing an explosion of pulled pork and brains to splash all around the room.

The woman, now with only half a face, slammed her pillow down on the man's head, bursting his skull and causing the room to now be entirely saturated with brains and pulled pork.

Now that the ritual is complete, we can live forever, the man said with his beautiful mind.

We can now be together forever in meat hell, the woman replied.

They lived happily ever after.


Sunday, June 30, 2013

FINE ART.


Problem Solving Solutions Part 1

A boy once decided that he would become hooked on heroin.

He drove through the streets looking for the perfect drug dealer.

He met one. His name was Hoochie Mama.

Hoochie Mama gave the boy the nastiest dirtiest heroine and crack he could find.

Now fulfilling his initial goal of getting hooked on heroine, the boy went looking for something even more hardcore...

He saw a butterfly land on a bush. He walked over and shoved the butterfly up into his brain through his nose, his eyeball fell out in the process.

One way to solve a problem is to offer an alternative.

To test this out, try going up to some one and ask them a personal question.

The boy was walking down a brightly lit road when he saw two women talking among themselves. Without introducing himself the young boy came near one of them.

"Wait, what did you just say?" He asked, shaking his right hand in their direction.

The two women ignored the young boy.

He went on to offer an extremely in-depth explanation of the unnatural coloration of his testicles, and how they seem to match a birthmark nested in-between his throat and clavicles exactly, coining his nickname, "Domino Neckballs."




Sunday, May 26, 2013

CAT NASTY the BUTT SCIENTIST BLOG

Wake up in the morning and perform  many back flips.
Turn on my microscope and study your mom's buttology-
Funny the resemblance between your face and A BUTT.
Cat Nasty was born inside of a space shark. He destroyed the shark in order to come to earth and meet the humans. They welcomed Cat Nasty with open arms and said "WELCOME CAT!"
Nobody knew the cat could speak English!

"Allow me to introduce your new God" was meowed.
The people were overtaken with relaxation
they quickly came to terms with their situation
"I have some toys for you" A man in the crowd screamed.
This angered the new owner of  mankind.
Who will win World War Meow?

                                                          CAT HAIR COOKIES
INGREDIENTS---
1 cup of flour
1/2 cup of brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/2 lb of cat hair

DIRECTIONS---
mix flour, brown sugar, egg, and chocolate chips in a standard bowl. When mixture becomes thick slowly add cat hair pieces and form into 2" balls. Place on baking sheet and bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes.




Sunday, March 10, 2013

"The Stench of Berries..."

"The Stench of Berries"...

The new teen docudrama...

Best Selling Award Winning Book...

Chapter 1:

Sandra started dating Pete when she was 16. He was not very hot, but he was fun to talk to. She later met Mortimer, the mysterious new Transylvanian at school. The fact that he was SO Jewish made him even hotter. He asked Sandra to go on a date even though she may have been dating Pete. Pete mysteriously dies in a plane crash, so Sandra accepts Mortimer's date request.

"Good Evening!" Mortimer belched.

Before Sandra could reply Mortimer began screaming at the top of his lungs. Shrill, falsetto squeals of delight filled the air and left Sandra frozen in fear. His hands were held above his head, being shaken as if he recently dipped them in water and wished to dry them off. His gaze never wavered. Nearly thirty seconds passed without a change in that situation.

"Could you please stop scre-" Sandra was cut off by the sudden realization that she was shrinking and Mortimer was more than double his normal size.

"You're a WIZARD??" Sandra asked in a highly upset and confused voice.

Mortimer started weeping profusely, "I love you!" he shouted "So tiny! So tiny!!"

"Help!" Sandra shouted!

Suddenly, a massive cat walks over to Sandra. "MMEEEEOOOWWWRRRRR!!!" it says.

"Please, Cat, Help Me! Mortimer has shrunk me into a little tiny! I need your help! Take me to the hospital!"

"Okay!" said Cat, as he carried her off to the E.R.

"Doctor, there' a cat in the waiting room with a little tiny lady on its back!" said the nurse.

"Oh, I see someone is demonstrating what it is like to be a addicted to marijuana." Replied the Doctor.

"Doctor, she needs help! But how do we cure a little tiny person?"

"With little tiny pills! Little teeny tiny pills made of crack and crystal meth combined."

"Good call!" Said the nurse.

After all eleven hours of surgery, the medical staff could not figure out why little tiny Sandra was so tiny or how to make her big again.

~10 YEARS LATER~

Sandra awoke in her bed made out of a bottle cap with a startle. After becoming so small, Sandra lost most of the feeling in her face which left her unable to use her most prized sense; smell. People used to come from miles away to hear Sandra talk about smelling things. She would offer practical advice to the novice 'people who smell' as well as nose masters of the highest degree.This gift was lost when a spell was cast upon her by that really large man.

With little warning Mortimer came crashing in to the room wearing his typical outfit of a garbage bag  wrapped tightly around his head and yellow kitchen gloves on his feet.

"Do you smell that!?" His voice cracked as he said each syllable an octave higher than the last.

"Let me go you piece or shit!" Yelled the tiny lady.

"I was going to kill you but now I have decided that I want to experience death before you because I feel like you would not appreciate death properly."

"I think I smell berries" she said.

Mortimer pushed his thumb down on the lady.


Sunday, March 3, 2013

A Good Reason To Scream

QUICK, PUT YOUR DOG IN THE OVEN!

You smell the delicious smell of your dog being cooked.

You see no sign of the dog anywhere in the house.

You remembered to season him beforehand.

WHERE IS THE DOG?

Once he is done...

Once.

He.

Is.

Done.

WHERE IS THE DOG?!

Crunchy, delicious, flakey, crispy dog meat! 

Gotta love that dog meat!

yum.

I miss the dog...

WHERE IS THAT DAMN DOG?!

She finally was strong enough to invite him over

They ate and drank and she could feel her self wanting that to last forever

He looked at the floor and saw the empty water bowl

WHEREISTHEDOG?!?!?!?!?!?

Satan opens hell's gates and says, "OH, HELLO, DOG!" 

YOU SAY: .......................................

Satan confesses, "Sorry Dog, You are in hell, your hell number is #009988987, Go find out what your hell job is"

Dog walks into the unemployment office. The Demon City Worker says, "How poor are you?"

Dog says I DONT KNOW I AM A DOG.

WHERE IS THAT POOR DOG?


Sunday, February 24, 2013

Are food pets?

Your mother's organs.

Sometimes the cat looks really soft in the sunlight. The light reflects off of his tiny beautiful whiskers and makes my heart melt! "Meow" he tells me, "Meooow!" and I just know it means, "I love you!"

But I knew he still owed money to the wrong people. One day, they would come for what was theirs - what was always theirs. He had a short but eventful life that was mostly financed by the mob. You could just tell that he was really happy. When the end came for him, it was of no surprise to anyone.

Mr. Lorenzo Spaghetti was the real boss of the town. George met him when he went off to buy some heroin one afternoon. "Where's Fuzzy?" George asked Mr. Spaghetti, "He's Swimmin' with the fishes" He replied. George gasped, "Oh boy, sounds delicious!" "I know!" replied the mob boss.

Their devastating and historic killing spree began in December of 2011.

A young girl was waiting at home with her father and sister for the only fun time they would have all year. With only a single parent working and an ever faltering father the children knew when to pretend to be happy and when they could try to feel that feeling in a genuine way. Two hours went by with no word from her. Two hard knocks on the door was enough to make everyone stop fighting and smile despite themselves.It wasn't her. It was the police and when they saw that little girl, they took off their hats.

When the mother came to, she was hit by a sudden realization; she couldn't feel below her shoulders. A nurse near her held up a dry erase board with some words on it. "Are you okay?" was written in red. She tried in every way to answer that question. The nurse took back the board and wrote for thirty seconds. "You've lost most of your body from the neck down" it said.      

George the cat's criminal lifestyle yielded him thousands and thousands of blood dollars. He bought 50 lb bags of Friskies at a time. Pretty much weekly since he ate so much damn cat food. High on the nip and not giving a damn, he drowned his sorrows in women and alcohol. He could never bring himself to know the little girl whose mother was permanently altered by his evil, trifflin' ass ways.

"Congratulations Angela!" The man in the suit said. The little girl looked up at the man with tears in her eyes. He pulled out a red and gold gift wrapped box from behind his back. "Go ahead Angela, Jesus told me to give this to you! Its a special gift from him..."Angela reached her small, trembling hand out to open up the mysterious gift. She fell to her knees and let out a scream. "Thank you" she wept.

"Your mother's organs," he revealed, "Your mother's delicious organs!"




Saturday, February 16, 2013

Blood Island


I don't even know if I can write about Blood Island

A Good Use For Dignity

A man on television attempting to sell me six, bladed weapons.

The first reminded me of a time when I was in the woods. The trees were tall and frightening, I thought I heard a noise. Thanks to my forward thinking, I had recently purchased a samurai sword and had brought it with me into this place of tranquility. I brandished my weapon in the direction of the noise and cried "WHO DAT!?"

The next time was when I went fishing with my father in hell. The water was blue and serene, The air smelled of butt holes and I thought I heard a noise. I then drew my survival hatchet and beamed it towards the noise. I heard a muffled scream, "AHHHHHHH!"

The time after that, I had recently gone to a seminar about real estate and how I cold make money without spending a dime. Like everyone else there, I was armed and on some amount of drugs. The man with grease on him was up on stage, throwing his arms around and offering people an answer in these unsure times. I thought I heard a noise on the stage behind him. In order to save that man, I took out my Dale Earnhardt Jr. commemorative tactical folder that I had in my pocket and proceeded to flick it at the stage. A geyser of blood came out followed by the cheer of the audience. They went " YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!'

The fourth time began in the cannibal islands of Mt. Boobs. I was gathering some exotic berries near the shore when I heard a noise. I swiftly turned around to see a blood-covered young man running at me full speed. I thought to myself: Good thing I brought my Enter the Dragon Limited Edition Scythe to help mine for berries. I launched my weapon towards the young man at maximum strength. I heard a man next to me say, "Wow, why the hell did you just murder that plane crash survivor?"

"THANK YOU!" The man gurgled out as he drew his last breath. I heard a noise near my feet. I had just finished ending this man's problem known as living. Using my poison-coated punch dagger for the twelfth time that day. He was a sick man. I made him sick. I knew he was worthy of my righteous indignation. The fifth time happened when I saw a complete stranger on the street one night.

The last time I used a deadly medieval weapon of mass destruction, was at about 4 pm yesterday. I was on my way to the Humane Society to pet some delicious cats when I overheard some people talking. "I'm gonna take them all!" I heard one guy say. "No, all the cats at the Humane Society are mine!" The other shouted. Knowing for certain that there would be no cats left for me, I pulled my centuries old chestnut Skinner from its fabled sheath. I heard a noise... it was my intuition saying, "TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!"


Friday, February 15, 2013

I don't want to sing, I'm a cat

And now for an excerpt from the first chapter of Dinosaur Who Gets Arrested.

Rookie Cop (RC) has been called into the office of the Chief of Police (COP) shortly after returning from his fateful first encounter with Dinosaur. RC is visibly shaken by the events that followed after  the arrest of Dinosaur at The Church. Before COP could have begun to talk RC speaks with no sense of position or etiquette. 

RC: I was just over at the corner of 7th and George and you wont believe what I found. A dinosaur, sir. A six foot tall four or five hundred pound monster. He was screaming, more like growling, and tearing through everything in sight. When I got the call from Father Richard I knew I was dealing with a scenario that we never trained for in the academy. Knowing how serious this call was I didn't even have time to request backup. When I entered the church and locked eyes with that thing intuition took over.

COP does not respond. The two stare at each other for what seems like a very long time. Feeling he has redeemed himself simply by stating what took place earlier in the day RC breaks the silence.

RC: Well at least we got the guy, right?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Song Title: On The Kitty Hustle
Album Title: Meow Meow Meow

Wake up in the morning and I head towards the Friskies
Drank a lot last night and I'm still kind of tipsy
Chasing my cat toys on a search for the nip
Always on the kitty grind, you know I'll never quit

Feeling kinda crazy, hanging out in the sink
Too god damn fuzzy, you may mistake me for a mink
Taking lots of naps is how I spend my whole day
I listen to the little birds and throw my cares away

If you could be a cat I would tell you that you should
I would know because I am the best cat in the 'hood
But now I have to get going-I have lots of mice to eat
But before you go you should touch my soft kitty feet!

(c)2013, richardmagicianstudios



Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I want to do tax evasion!

I once walked down the street and saw a cop. A man asked him for directions. He replied, "Keep walking."

Do you guys have any stories about cops acting intellectually challenged?

Love,

Richardmagicianstudios