Sunday, February 24, 2013

Are food pets?

Your mother's organs.

Sometimes the cat looks really soft in the sunlight. The light reflects off of his tiny beautiful whiskers and makes my heart melt! "Meow" he tells me, "Meooow!" and I just know it means, "I love you!"

But I knew he still owed money to the wrong people. One day, they would come for what was theirs - what was always theirs. He had a short but eventful life that was mostly financed by the mob. You could just tell that he was really happy. When the end came for him, it was of no surprise to anyone.

Mr. Lorenzo Spaghetti was the real boss of the town. George met him when he went off to buy some heroin one afternoon. "Where's Fuzzy?" George asked Mr. Spaghetti, "He's Swimmin' with the fishes" He replied. George gasped, "Oh boy, sounds delicious!" "I know!" replied the mob boss.

Their devastating and historic killing spree began in December of 2011.

A young girl was waiting at home with her father and sister for the only fun time they would have all year. With only a single parent working and an ever faltering father the children knew when to pretend to be happy and when they could try to feel that feeling in a genuine way. Two hours went by with no word from her. Two hard knocks on the door was enough to make everyone stop fighting and smile despite themselves.It wasn't her. It was the police and when they saw that little girl, they took off their hats.

When the mother came to, she was hit by a sudden realization; she couldn't feel below her shoulders. A nurse near her held up a dry erase board with some words on it. "Are you okay?" was written in red. She tried in every way to answer that question. The nurse took back the board and wrote for thirty seconds. "You've lost most of your body from the neck down" it said.      

George the cat's criminal lifestyle yielded him thousands and thousands of blood dollars. He bought 50 lb bags of Friskies at a time. Pretty much weekly since he ate so much damn cat food. High on the nip and not giving a damn, he drowned his sorrows in women and alcohol. He could never bring himself to know the little girl whose mother was permanently altered by his evil, trifflin' ass ways.

"Congratulations Angela!" The man in the suit said. The little girl looked up at the man with tears in her eyes. He pulled out a red and gold gift wrapped box from behind his back. "Go ahead Angela, Jesus told me to give this to you! Its a special gift from him..."Angela reached her small, trembling hand out to open up the mysterious gift. She fell to her knees and let out a scream. "Thank you" she wept.

"Your mother's organs," he revealed, "Your mother's delicious organs!"




Saturday, February 16, 2013

Blood Island


I don't even know if I can write about Blood Island

A Good Use For Dignity

A man on television attempting to sell me six, bladed weapons.

The first reminded me of a time when I was in the woods. The trees were tall and frightening, I thought I heard a noise. Thanks to my forward thinking, I had recently purchased a samurai sword and had brought it with me into this place of tranquility. I brandished my weapon in the direction of the noise and cried "WHO DAT!?"

The next time was when I went fishing with my father in hell. The water was blue and serene, The air smelled of butt holes and I thought I heard a noise. I then drew my survival hatchet and beamed it towards the noise. I heard a muffled scream, "AHHHHHHH!"

The time after that, I had recently gone to a seminar about real estate and how I cold make money without spending a dime. Like everyone else there, I was armed and on some amount of drugs. The man with grease on him was up on stage, throwing his arms around and offering people an answer in these unsure times. I thought I heard a noise on the stage behind him. In order to save that man, I took out my Dale Earnhardt Jr. commemorative tactical folder that I had in my pocket and proceeded to flick it at the stage. A geyser of blood came out followed by the cheer of the audience. They went " YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!'

The fourth time began in the cannibal islands of Mt. Boobs. I was gathering some exotic berries near the shore when I heard a noise. I swiftly turned around to see a blood-covered young man running at me full speed. I thought to myself: Good thing I brought my Enter the Dragon Limited Edition Scythe to help mine for berries. I launched my weapon towards the young man at maximum strength. I heard a man next to me say, "Wow, why the hell did you just murder that plane crash survivor?"

"THANK YOU!" The man gurgled out as he drew his last breath. I heard a noise near my feet. I had just finished ending this man's problem known as living. Using my poison-coated punch dagger for the twelfth time that day. He was a sick man. I made him sick. I knew he was worthy of my righteous indignation. The fifth time happened when I saw a complete stranger on the street one night.

The last time I used a deadly medieval weapon of mass destruction, was at about 4 pm yesterday. I was on my way to the Humane Society to pet some delicious cats when I overheard some people talking. "I'm gonna take them all!" I heard one guy say. "No, all the cats at the Humane Society are mine!" The other shouted. Knowing for certain that there would be no cats left for me, I pulled my centuries old chestnut Skinner from its fabled sheath. I heard a noise... it was my intuition saying, "TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!"


Friday, February 15, 2013

I don't want to sing, I'm a cat

And now for an excerpt from the first chapter of Dinosaur Who Gets Arrested.

Rookie Cop (RC) has been called into the office of the Chief of Police (COP) shortly after returning from his fateful first encounter with Dinosaur. RC is visibly shaken by the events that followed after  the arrest of Dinosaur at The Church. Before COP could have begun to talk RC speaks with no sense of position or etiquette. 

RC: I was just over at the corner of 7th and George and you wont believe what I found. A dinosaur, sir. A six foot tall four or five hundred pound monster. He was screaming, more like growling, and tearing through everything in sight. When I got the call from Father Richard I knew I was dealing with a scenario that we never trained for in the academy. Knowing how serious this call was I didn't even have time to request backup. When I entered the church and locked eyes with that thing intuition took over.

COP does not respond. The two stare at each other for what seems like a very long time. Feeling he has redeemed himself simply by stating what took place earlier in the day RC breaks the silence.

RC: Well at least we got the guy, right?

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Song Title: On The Kitty Hustle
Album Title: Meow Meow Meow

Wake up in the morning and I head towards the Friskies
Drank a lot last night and I'm still kind of tipsy
Chasing my cat toys on a search for the nip
Always on the kitty grind, you know I'll never quit

Feeling kinda crazy, hanging out in the sink
Too god damn fuzzy, you may mistake me for a mink
Taking lots of naps is how I spend my whole day
I listen to the little birds and throw my cares away

If you could be a cat I would tell you that you should
I would know because I am the best cat in the 'hood
But now I have to get going-I have lots of mice to eat
But before you go you should touch my soft kitty feet!

(c)2013, richardmagicianstudios



Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I want to do tax evasion!

I once walked down the street and saw a cop. A man asked him for directions. He replied, "Keep walking."

Do you guys have any stories about cops acting intellectually challenged?

Love,

Richardmagicianstudios