Sunday, March 10, 2013

"The Stench of Berries..."

"The Stench of Berries"...

The new teen docudrama...

Best Selling Award Winning Book...

Chapter 1:

Sandra started dating Pete when she was 16. He was not very hot, but he was fun to talk to. She later met Mortimer, the mysterious new Transylvanian at school. The fact that he was SO Jewish made him even hotter. He asked Sandra to go on a date even though she may have been dating Pete. Pete mysteriously dies in a plane crash, so Sandra accepts Mortimer's date request.

"Good Evening!" Mortimer belched.

Before Sandra could reply Mortimer began screaming at the top of his lungs. Shrill, falsetto squeals of delight filled the air and left Sandra frozen in fear. His hands were held above his head, being shaken as if he recently dipped them in water and wished to dry them off. His gaze never wavered. Nearly thirty seconds passed without a change in that situation.

"Could you please stop scre-" Sandra was cut off by the sudden realization that she was shrinking and Mortimer was more than double his normal size.

"You're a WIZARD??" Sandra asked in a highly upset and confused voice.

Mortimer started weeping profusely, "I love you!" he shouted "So tiny! So tiny!!"

"Help!" Sandra shouted!

Suddenly, a massive cat walks over to Sandra. "MMEEEEOOOWWWRRRRR!!!" it says.

"Please, Cat, Help Me! Mortimer has shrunk me into a little tiny! I need your help! Take me to the hospital!"

"Okay!" said Cat, as he carried her off to the E.R.

"Doctor, there' a cat in the waiting room with a little tiny lady on its back!" said the nurse.

"Oh, I see someone is demonstrating what it is like to be a addicted to marijuana." Replied the Doctor.

"Doctor, she needs help! But how do we cure a little tiny person?"

"With little tiny pills! Little teeny tiny pills made of crack and crystal meth combined."

"Good call!" Said the nurse.

After all eleven hours of surgery, the medical staff could not figure out why little tiny Sandra was so tiny or how to make her big again.

~10 YEARS LATER~

Sandra awoke in her bed made out of a bottle cap with a startle. After becoming so small, Sandra lost most of the feeling in her face which left her unable to use her most prized sense; smell. People used to come from miles away to hear Sandra talk about smelling things. She would offer practical advice to the novice 'people who smell' as well as nose masters of the highest degree.This gift was lost when a spell was cast upon her by that really large man.

With little warning Mortimer came crashing in to the room wearing his typical outfit of a garbage bag  wrapped tightly around his head and yellow kitchen gloves on his feet.

"Do you smell that!?" His voice cracked as he said each syllable an octave higher than the last.

"Let me go you piece or shit!" Yelled the tiny lady.

"I was going to kill you but now I have decided that I want to experience death before you because I feel like you would not appreciate death properly."

"I think I smell berries" she said.

Mortimer pushed his thumb down on the lady.


Sunday, March 3, 2013

A Good Reason To Scream

QUICK, PUT YOUR DOG IN THE OVEN!

You smell the delicious smell of your dog being cooked.

You see no sign of the dog anywhere in the house.

You remembered to season him beforehand.

WHERE IS THE DOG?

Once he is done...

Once.

He.

Is.

Done.

WHERE IS THE DOG?!

Crunchy, delicious, flakey, crispy dog meat! 

Gotta love that dog meat!

yum.

I miss the dog...

WHERE IS THAT DAMN DOG?!

She finally was strong enough to invite him over

They ate and drank and she could feel her self wanting that to last forever

He looked at the floor and saw the empty water bowl

WHEREISTHEDOG?!?!?!?!?!?

Satan opens hell's gates and says, "OH, HELLO, DOG!" 

YOU SAY: .......................................

Satan confesses, "Sorry Dog, You are in hell, your hell number is #009988987, Go find out what your hell job is"

Dog walks into the unemployment office. The Demon City Worker says, "How poor are you?"

Dog says I DONT KNOW I AM A DOG.

WHERE IS THAT POOR DOG?