Saturday, August 24, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Meat Pillow Erotica
The young man filled up the expensive looking pillow with pulled pork from pulled pork sandwiches. The pillow was now filled with pulled pork. The young man then disrobed and asked the woman to enter the room. She was already naked and asked,
"Did you bring the pillow, baby?"
The man replied, "Oh hell yes, I just prepared it a few minutes ago. I used the slow cooker."
The woman gasped, "You're getting me SO hot right now!"
"I seasoned the meats to perfection" he revealed.
"I belong to you mind, body, and spirit" the woman pulled out a juicy pillow of her own.
"I've been waiting so long for this moment", the man held his pillow high in the air, it began slowly leaking pulled pork juices on to his head.
"I need you!" The woman screamed as she raised her own delicious smelling but disgusting looking meat pillow over her own head.
The man slammed his meat pillow on the woman's head causing an explosion of pulled pork and brains to splash all around the room.
The woman, now with only half a face, slammed her pillow down on the man's head, bursting his skull and causing the room to now be entirely saturated with brains and pulled pork.
Now that the ritual is complete, we can live forever, the man said with his beautiful mind.
We can now be together forever in meat hell, the woman replied.
They lived happily ever after.
"Did you bring the pillow, baby?"
The man replied, "Oh hell yes, I just prepared it a few minutes ago. I used the slow cooker."
The woman gasped, "You're getting me SO hot right now!"
"I seasoned the meats to perfection" he revealed.
"I belong to you mind, body, and spirit" the woman pulled out a juicy pillow of her own.
"I've been waiting so long for this moment", the man held his pillow high in the air, it began slowly leaking pulled pork juices on to his head.
"I need you!" The woman screamed as she raised her own delicious smelling but disgusting looking meat pillow over her own head.
The man slammed his meat pillow on the woman's head causing an explosion of pulled pork and brains to splash all around the room.
The woman, now with only half a face, slammed her pillow down on the man's head, bursting his skull and causing the room to now be entirely saturated with brains and pulled pork.
Now that the ritual is complete, we can live forever, the man said with his beautiful mind.
We can now be together forever in meat hell, the woman replied.
They lived happily ever after.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Problem Solving Solutions Part 1
A boy once decided that he would become hooked on heroin.
He drove through the streets looking for the perfect drug dealer.
He met one. His name was Hoochie Mama.
Hoochie Mama gave the boy the nastiest dirtiest heroine and crack he could find.
Now fulfilling his initial goal of getting hooked on heroine, the boy went looking for something even more hardcore...
He saw a butterfly land on a bush. He walked over and shoved the butterfly up into his brain through his nose, his eyeball fell out in the process.
One way to solve a problem is to offer an alternative.
To test this out, try going up to some one and ask them a personal question.
The boy was walking down a brightly lit road when he saw two women talking among themselves. Without introducing himself the young boy came near one of them.
"Wait, what did you just say?" He asked, shaking his right hand in their direction.
The two women ignored the young boy.
He went on to offer an extremely in-depth explanation of the unnatural coloration of his testicles, and how they seem to match a birthmark nested in-between his throat and clavicles exactly, coining his nickname, "Domino Neckballs."
He drove through the streets looking for the perfect drug dealer.
He met one. His name was Hoochie Mama.
Hoochie Mama gave the boy the nastiest dirtiest heroine and crack he could find.
Now fulfilling his initial goal of getting hooked on heroine, the boy went looking for something even more hardcore...
He saw a butterfly land on a bush. He walked over and shoved the butterfly up into his brain through his nose, his eyeball fell out in the process.
One way to solve a problem is to offer an alternative.
To test this out, try going up to some one and ask them a personal question.
The boy was walking down a brightly lit road when he saw two women talking among themselves. Without introducing himself the young boy came near one of them.
"Wait, what did you just say?" He asked, shaking his right hand in their direction.
The two women ignored the young boy.
He went on to offer an extremely in-depth explanation of the unnatural coloration of his testicles, and how they seem to match a birthmark nested in-between his throat and clavicles exactly, coining his nickname, "Domino Neckballs."
Sunday, May 26, 2013
CAT NASTY the BUTT SCIENTIST BLOG
Wake up in the morning and perform many back flips.
Turn on my microscope and study your mom's buttology-
Funny the resemblance between your face and A BUTT.
Cat Nasty was born inside of a space shark. He destroyed the shark in order to come to earth and meet the humans. They welcomed Cat Nasty with open arms and said "WELCOME CAT!"
Nobody knew the cat could speak English!
"Allow me to introduce your new God" was meowed.
The people were overtaken with relaxation
they quickly came to terms with their situation
"I have some toys for you" A man in the crowd screamed.
This angered the new owner of mankind.
Who will win World War Meow?
CAT HAIR COOKIES
INGREDIENTS---
1 cup of flour
1/2 cup of brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/2 lb of cat hair
DIRECTIONS---
mix flour, brown sugar, egg, and chocolate chips in a standard bowl. When mixture becomes thick slowly add cat hair pieces and form into 2" balls. Place on baking sheet and bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes.
Turn on my microscope and study your mom's buttology-
Funny the resemblance between your face and A BUTT.
Cat Nasty was born inside of a space shark. He destroyed the shark in order to come to earth and meet the humans. They welcomed Cat Nasty with open arms and said "WELCOME CAT!"
Nobody knew the cat could speak English!
"Allow me to introduce your new God" was meowed.
The people were overtaken with relaxation
they quickly came to terms with their situation
"I have some toys for you" A man in the crowd screamed.
This angered the new owner of mankind.
Who will win World War Meow?
CAT HAIR COOKIES
INGREDIENTS---
1 cup of flour
1/2 cup of brown sugar
1 egg
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/2 lb of cat hair
DIRECTIONS---
mix flour, brown sugar, egg, and chocolate chips in a standard bowl. When mixture becomes thick slowly add cat hair pieces and form into 2" balls. Place on baking sheet and bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
"The Stench of Berries..."
"The Stench of Berries"...
The new teen docudrama...
Best Selling Award Winning Book...
Chapter 1:
Sandra started dating Pete when she was 16. He was not very hot, but he was fun to talk to. She later met Mortimer, the mysterious new Transylvanian at school. The fact that he was SO Jewish made him even hotter. He asked Sandra to go on a date even though she may have been dating Pete. Pete mysteriously dies in a plane crash, so Sandra accepts Mortimer's date request.
"Good Evening!" Mortimer belched.
Before Sandra could reply Mortimer began screaming at the top of his lungs. Shrill, falsetto squeals of delight filled the air and left Sandra frozen in fear. His hands were held above his head, being shaken as if he recently dipped them in water and wished to dry them off. His gaze never wavered. Nearly thirty seconds passed without a change in that situation.
"Could you please stop scre-" Sandra was cut off by the sudden realization that she was shrinking and Mortimer was more than double his normal size.
"You're a WIZARD??" Sandra asked in a highly upset and confused voice.
Mortimer started weeping profusely, "I love you!" he shouted "So tiny! So tiny!!"
"Help!" Sandra shouted!
Suddenly, a massive cat walks over to Sandra. "MMEEEEOOOWWWRRRRR!!!" it says.
"Please, Cat, Help Me! Mortimer has shrunk me into a little tiny! I need your help! Take me to the hospital!"
"Okay!" said Cat, as he carried her off to the E.R.
"Doctor, there' a cat in the waiting room with a little tiny lady on its back!" said the nurse.
"Oh, I see someone is demonstrating what it is like to be a addicted to marijuana." Replied the Doctor.
"Doctor, she needs help! But how do we cure a little tiny person?"
"With little tiny pills! Little teeny tiny pills made of crack and crystal meth combined."
"Good call!" Said the nurse.
After all eleven hours of surgery, the medical staff could not figure out why little tiny Sandra was so tiny or how to make her big again.
~10 YEARS LATER~
Sandra awoke in her bed made out of a bottle cap with a startle. After becoming so small, Sandra lost most of the feeling in her face which left her unable to use her most prized sense; smell. People used to come from miles away to hear Sandra talk about smelling things. She would offer practical advice to the novice 'people who smell' as well as nose masters of the highest degree.This gift was lost when a spell was cast upon her by that really large man.
With little warning Mortimer came crashing in to the room wearing his typical outfit of a garbage bag wrapped tightly around his head and yellow kitchen gloves on his feet.
"Do you smell that!?" His voice cracked as he said each syllable an octave higher than the last.
"Let me go you piece or shit!" Yelled the tiny lady.
"I was going to kill you but now I have decided that I want to experience death before you because I feel like you would not appreciate death properly."
"I think I smell berries" she said.
Mortimer pushed his thumb down on the lady.
The new teen docudrama...
Best Selling Award Winning Book...
Chapter 1:
Sandra started dating Pete when she was 16. He was not very hot, but he was fun to talk to. She later met Mortimer, the mysterious new Transylvanian at school. The fact that he was SO Jewish made him even hotter. He asked Sandra to go on a date even though she may have been dating Pete. Pete mysteriously dies in a plane crash, so Sandra accepts Mortimer's date request.
"Good Evening!" Mortimer belched.
Before Sandra could reply Mortimer began screaming at the top of his lungs. Shrill, falsetto squeals of delight filled the air and left Sandra frozen in fear. His hands were held above his head, being shaken as if he recently dipped them in water and wished to dry them off. His gaze never wavered. Nearly thirty seconds passed without a change in that situation.
"Could you please stop scre-" Sandra was cut off by the sudden realization that she was shrinking and Mortimer was more than double his normal size.
"You're a WIZARD??" Sandra asked in a highly upset and confused voice.
Mortimer started weeping profusely, "I love you!" he shouted "So tiny! So tiny!!"
"Help!" Sandra shouted!
Suddenly, a massive cat walks over to Sandra. "MMEEEEOOOWWWRRRRR!!!" it says.
"Please, Cat, Help Me! Mortimer has shrunk me into a little tiny! I need your help! Take me to the hospital!"
"Okay!" said Cat, as he carried her off to the E.R.
"Doctor, there' a cat in the waiting room with a little tiny lady on its back!" said the nurse.
"Oh, I see someone is demonstrating what it is like to be a addicted to marijuana." Replied the Doctor.
"Doctor, she needs help! But how do we cure a little tiny person?"
"With little tiny pills! Little teeny tiny pills made of crack and crystal meth combined."
"Good call!" Said the nurse.
After all eleven hours of surgery, the medical staff could not figure out why little tiny Sandra was so tiny or how to make her big again.
~10 YEARS LATER~
Sandra awoke in her bed made out of a bottle cap with a startle. After becoming so small, Sandra lost most of the feeling in her face which left her unable to use her most prized sense; smell. People used to come from miles away to hear Sandra talk about smelling things. She would offer practical advice to the novice 'people who smell' as well as nose masters of the highest degree.This gift was lost when a spell was cast upon her by that really large man.
With little warning Mortimer came crashing in to the room wearing his typical outfit of a garbage bag wrapped tightly around his head and yellow kitchen gloves on his feet.
"Do you smell that!?" His voice cracked as he said each syllable an octave higher than the last.
"Let me go you piece or shit!" Yelled the tiny lady.
"I was going to kill you but now I have decided that I want to experience death before you because I feel like you would not appreciate death properly."
"I think I smell berries" she said.
Mortimer pushed his thumb down on the lady.
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